How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

What is the difference between parental authority and authoritarianism? In both cases, it is about power. But if, in the case of an authoritative upbringing, the child takes the right of parents to power himself, then authoritarianism is when parents force him to obey. How to establish an authoritative parenting style and maintain it even in difficult family situations when you want to force the child to fulfill the requirement?
Tatyana Lelimunsen told how to solve the problems of parental authority in specific situations, in the pages of the magazine “Family Education”.

In the evening, the children take the toys away for a very long time. You have to cheer all the time. And the longer it lasts, the more reassurance they turn into teams. The only way to finish cleaning and walk to the bath.

This problem is also very familiar to me personally. At the very same children.They forget to clean their things and do not hurry in the evening to the bathroom before going to bed. I suggest cleaning the room with the children. It will be much faster for you and, more importantly, less emotionally and energy-consuming. The joint work will strengthen your emotional contact with children, and they will be more accommodating due to the feeling of being nourished by contact.

How to say "sit down for lessons" in authoritative style?

When day after day you have such moments, when you interact together, live in unison, it creates an atmosphere in the house in which any phrase, even such unpleasant as “sit down for lessons”, will be perceived as an authoritative opinion.

Before you make any request or order, mentally evaluate how much the child is saturated with communication today. If there are doubts that somehow zamotalis for the day, did not pay enough attention to the child, pause. Do not press him.
Sit together, hug, tell each other how the day went. And then it will be much easier for you to say: “Well, what is my dear, for the lessons? Come on, show me what you have been asked. " Sometimes children do not have enough of this support in the transition to the tasks. And then - it's easier.

Read also:How to punish a child: important rules for parents

Authoritative education does not imply punishment at all?

Any living person, especially in moments of emotional instability, can reach punishment. But this should be rarely cases. And I'm working hard not to slip into it anymore.
Punishment is useless from the point of view of upbringing. And there is an explanation. When the impulse to punish a child wakes up in us, it only indicates that we have not coped with our emotions, which have arisen in response to the child’s behavior.
For example, a kid does not want to do something, what we need. At first we are calm enough, even if he still refuses. But then our irritation grows, and we can explode, vomiting out punishment. At the same time, we are drowning in the illusion that this will teach him to act differently next time.
But the reality is different. The child does not listen to us, because the contact is broken. And instead of slowing down and establishing contact with the child, we resort to punishment, and this gap only widens.

How much time can take the restoration of relationships, if the family at the moment has developed an authoritarian style, and I want to go to the authoritative?

It depends on many circumstances.And from the age - the younger the child, the sooner the relationship is restored. In some cases, in a day or two, the child’s response to the contact offered by the parent can already be noticed.
And highly sensitive children are very vulnerable from neurosensitivity and are protected more strongly, they go harder to deepen relations.
With foster children is very difficult. May pass years. But the game is worth the candle.

Read also:Psychologist Julia Gipenreiter about the upbringing of children

How to be in situations where you need to act quickly, regardless of the mood of the child? Especially in situations that are hazardous to life and health?

I will briefly tell you about my life experience with kids who are climbing everywhere. My youngest is now three years old and still fresh enough in my memory. Our relationship, our relationship was very well established. And an amazing thing, before touching something new, crawling somewhere, she always turned on me and attracted attention with her own voice, as if asking: “Can I do this?” And more often I said to her: “Come on!”.

Along the way, I introduced her to the word "dangerous" and used it instead of "no" or "impossible", and she trusted me and listened to it from the first time.And for the first time she felt “dangerous” in her own experience - she grabbed onto a cup of tea. This was the explanation that her brain could absorb. Since then, it was enough for her to say “dangerous” so that she could relate to her previous experience and draw conclusions herself.

What to do if the child does not want to do anything even during periods when it seems that there is a contact? Day after day the child does not want to wash his hands, brush his teeth and so on.

If the child constantly, day after day, refuses to listen to his mother, that is, something to think about. Try to reformulate your statements: “I want the child to want to brush his teeth!”, “I want him to want to wash his hands after the street!”, “I want him to want to get ready for the garden!”. In my opinion, this is not far from the truth. He will never want this himself. That is what you want. He has no such priorities. As you rightly point out, he has his own plans.

But he can do all this from affection for his mother, even if he does not see in the action itself any value for himself. Already the final result is not exactly interested in him: clean hands, brushed teeth, full equipment for going out to the garden.
Preschool children can only be interested in the process.And we have to take this stage of brain development into account and adjust to the children, and not pull them to their standards. You need the result, not the child. And what non-violent way you get it doesn’t matter.
Let the child not even realize that he washes his hands. Offer him to wash your hands. For example, put one hand under the jet and say that you do not want to wash the second one: "You held onto it. I want to keep this feeling longer. ” And two hares will be caught: hands clean and affection strengthened by a cheerful joint occupation.

Why is the child cheating, and how to deal with it with the help of authority?
As soon as the child understands that punishment is what follows a misdemeanor, he either begins to hide better and disguise himself to avoid punishment, or will behave correctly, but not by inner conviction, but that his mother does not get angry.

Punishments only deepen the abyss. Try to refrain at least some time from comments and punishments. Believe me, your boy is not from evil and not by cold calculation does all this. He really suffers from a lack of parental warmth, he is afraid to open himself to you and in this form he expresses his experiences.

He can not say "Mom, I do not feel your love." She just can't get through to him. You will see, one has only to look at the child, as he who needs warmth and caress, which he is waiting, waiting and not receiving, and you will succeed immediately. Not overnight, no, but try. You have already imposed penalties, they do not work. Try love.

Every morning my son and I go for a long time "brushing our teeth." There are rules, there are multiple explanations for why this is important, and almost every day “I will not go,” “not now,” etc. How to be in these cases?

Little children do not understand the meaning of long-term results and consequences. They live in one moment, here and now. Any explanation is usually just a waste of time and unpleasant moments of moralizing.
What can really drive them to action is the interest in the process. Either observe how interesting someone is brushing his teeth and most want the same. And you can come up with a fairy-tale game with an element for brushing your teeth, but not on the topic of health and heredity.
And you can come up with a funny story. For example, the brush feels that she did not have time for dinner with us. "Ay-yay-yay, poor thing. Maybe something stuck on your teeth.Let him look for himself a little bit. ”
When a child is imbued with the sincere attention of the parents, he has a craving to make his reciprocal contribution to affection. It is as if he wants to say: “Look how attached I am to you!” He takes it and starts to help or do what his parents want him to do. Like in that cute little children's book "Do you know how I love you?".

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How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

How to become an authority for your child: the secrets of harmonious education

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